To Love Without Consequence

I normally write for other reasons in the special needs community, but tonight I write for me and my life. Everywhere I look these days there is a fight going on across the country, across the world. The fight is about if I'm allowed to love who I want to love. For some reason the fact that I fell in love and married a woman is up for debate with governments, countries, communities and other people. That my right to fall in love and get married shouldn't be a right or even a thing to happen in this world. Why? Because the bible told them so. Even though the bible also says not to mix fabric in clothes, trim your beard, getting tattoos, or you can't not stand in the presence of the elderly, and the list goes on and on. Or wait, my favorite argument against my life is that we shouldn't raise children because only a father and mother should. This should make most people in this world irate because you're basically slapping single parents in the face with that one. So you're saying single parents or widowed parents are somehow less than those with a man and woman as parents?

Or somehow my stepchildren were better off with a man that abused them for years and years and tore them apart. That was somehow better than the strong, loving two parent home they have now, where each child feels safe and loved and is succeeding far beyond what they ever thought possible? Yeah that sounds so horrible to me.

But I digress. I watch states like Oklahoma and Tennessee come up with new laws everyday to try and stop me from having the basic human right to love and be loved. They waste so many hours and days and months and years fighting against love. Instead of fighting the things that truly matter in their state and helping those that truly need it. Instead, I watch every day as the very fabric of who I am is cause for laws, war, protests and discord. When really, we live quietly raising our family, going to work and living just like everyone else.

And I watch as younger versions of ourselves kill themselves, run away or wish they could disappear. Just because they love someone of the same sex. Because they love. And it saddens me to no end knowing this and I wish I could reach out to them and hold them and hug them and tell them it will be okay. One day it will be okay. But even though there are laws now and I'm allowed to be married to my wife, it's not okay for so many.

My wife and I hid our relationship and marriage for the better part of four years. That's a drop in the bucket compared to some who hid it for seventy years. Those four years were some of the most challenging of my life. To love so deeply and honestly and having to watch ourselves every second to make sure we gave off no feelings in public and making sure no one suspected we shared a bed, much less a life. To this day, in some ways we are not open as we wait for older generations of family to find out or pass away. So I can tell the younger version of ourselves that all is well now and it's okay to be gay, but still in so many places and families it's not.

My wife comes from the Mormon faith and it's still very not all right as they continue to persecute those who love. And find new ways to purge those members from their church. And although my wife chose me over faith and family, each new directive they send out, causes a new round of anxiety and depression. To have a faith you knew your whole life call you out for finally finding love and being happy and providing a stable home for the children. The church would have preferred her to stay with an abusive man who may have one day killed her or all of them. The church would choose that over love, happiness and stability.

And every new directive strikes fear in her heart that her family will finally turn away. They accepted us as well as they could have and are wonderful but still members of the church. So what happens when the church comes to them one day and asks them to make a choice? I ask, why does there even have to be a choice. In what faith or lifetime should a family ever have to choose a life away from their family? Away from a child or a parent or anyone in that family? How is this ever okay?

All because of love? So no it's not okay. I watch my life debated over and over again and I always wonder why? Not everyone in this world is a Christian who holds those beliefs. So why would that rule the land? In fact, how can anyone pull a phrase from the bible and adhere to that but not the other couple hundred phrases banning things. You either believe all the book or not. You can't pick and choose what you believe and don't believe because it suits your own internal belief system. You don't get to pick and choose what you believe to attack my life and make my life invalid.

I fell in love and married a woman. We are raising a beautiful family together. A family that is taught about love and trust and faith and what it means to truly be a family. Love should never be cause for a fight. My life should not be up for debate.

While all these religious groups or social groups are spending MILLION fighting against my life and the way I live it, are they also giving the same millions to those in need? To families starving? Children starving or needing families? To veterans who gave their life so that we have the freedoms that we do? Every million they spend fighting against my life is a million that could have been spent helping their fellow man, woman or child suffering or hurting. You aren't hurting me by using those millions to fight against my life. It's been ruled upon and my life is valid in the eyes of the law. But you still choose to spend millions fighting against something you will no longer win. Meanwhile you let others suffer that could have benefited. Would love to hear what they tell people, no sorry we don't have any donations this year to you, we were too busy fighting a war against love. Do they even realize how shitty they look?

One day I hope I can tell the younger version of ourselves that they don't have to be afraid anymore. But that day isn't there yet. While I feel lucky and privileged to be legally married to my wife and live our quiet life, I also know I have the wisdom and foresight now that I'm older and can realize what we do have and can have and we don't have to be afraid. But every day LGBTQ kids are kicked out from their communities and homes for the simple act of loving another person or standing up for who they believe they are inside. When in reality, these kids should be applauded for their strength and courage to be exactly who they are and not who society tells them to be.

And so I wait. I wait for that day when new bills aren't sent to state legislatures asking for my life to be invalid or not worthy. And I wait for that day when everyone truly is able to be who they are and most of all, to love who they want without consequence.

To the Step Parents with kids with special needs

To all the stepparents of children and adults with special needs,

There are a lot of blogs about being the parent of a child with special needs. There are very few about being the stepparent.

We weren’t the ones there when they were born. We often weren’t there for the initial diagnosis. Or the first IEP fights. We weren’t there for the first tears or sleepless nights. But we will be there for the next years and last tears. We will be there for the rest of the IEPs, hospital visits, therapy sessions and sleepless nights.

Unlike biological parents whose children are born to them, we chose this life. We chose to say “I do” and knew that saying I do comes with a special life with special kids. No — extraordinary kids.

When I married my wife, I knew I wasn’t just saying I do to the woman of my dreams, but I was also saying I do to raising my soul child. He wasn’t born to me, and I wasn’t there for his first 12 years, but I will be there for all the rest.

I’m a stepparent to a child with high special needs, and yes, I chose this. Some may wonder why when I knew it was a life of doctors, therapies, hospitals, worry and stress. A life of often sleepless nights, often unknown medical issues and sometimes outright aggression. But I say instead I said “I do” to a life with an extraordinary child who has so much joy to share with this world. A child who will teach others far more than they will ever teach him. An example of pure love. I chose to have an extraordinary life with my family and the two loves of my life. I’d gladly say I do a thousand times over to be a part of this child’s life.

This is for the stepparents out there who said “I do” without hesitation and chose this life with our kids with extraordinary needs. We don’t have the biological connection, but we have a soul connection.

And to my wife — it may have taken me some time to learn every behavior, sound and feeling, but it was just as important to me to learn this and be there. To come to every doctor appointment and lie there all those nights at the hospital. You did it alone without the support of your first spouse for 12 long years. But I chose this life with you, and I would choose it a thousand times over. When you tell me you’re sorry we don’t have a normal life or that we have a hard life, I will always take your hand and tell you I wouldn’t have it any other way because I have both of you. Of course we wish he was better, but that’s not up to us. It’s up to us to love him no matter what, and I do. I do, I do, I do. I always will.

When we’re old and gray and our life is coming to a close, you both will know the true meaning of unconditional love. And you don’t need a biological connection to have unconditional love — just a human one.